Grandma’s house.
As I ran into the house, the sweet smell of freshly baked cookies filled my nose. The warm, golden sunlight shone through the clean kitchen windows and I noticed a vase. It had been placed with home-picked flowers, with vibrant petals that stood tall like a king. Golden blonde hair, crept into my sight, as I turned around to see my grandma. She stood there, in her lavender dress, smiling in the light. Her long, slender arms wrapped around my body, almost squeezing the life out of me. I laughed. She turned on the stereo to play our favorite song, as we skipped over to the kitchen. We were making fudge brownies that day. Flour covered me head to toe, as well as the cocoa powder, which covered the floor. Our feet danced through the flour and cocoa powder, creating white and brown speckled socks. We didn’t care about the mess, we were having fun. A creak came from the front door, and my mum walked in. Her smile filled the room, as I wave goodbye, excited to come back again. It was time to go.
As I walk into the house, the chemical scent of a hospital fills my nose, somewhat burning it. Dark clouds cover the sky like a thick blanket, blocking the sun from shining through the windows. Limp flowers lent against the vase, dying from the lack of care. I turn to see a lady, sitting on a chair, with her short grey hair. Her skin is colorless, making her look almost lifeless. I almost don’t even recognize her. I walked over to give her a hug, but it wasn’t the same as it usually was. There was no tight squeeze. Just a casual, basic hug. I smiled. I was excited to make brownies like we always did, but she said she was too tired. My smile faded off of my face, like condensation on a mirror. “Turn on the radio, why don’t you?” she kindly asked with her raspy voice. Our favorite song started playing and she sang to my little sister, but she couldn’t dance with me anymore. I could tell she wasn’t well, she was as weak as a twig. As the music played and my sister laughed, tears started to well up in my eyes, making my vision go frosty. My hand quickly wiped them away, leaving red streaks across my cheeks. A creak came from the front door, and my mum walked in. I waved back at the slender old lady, while i walked out the door, not knowing if i will come back again.
1 Comment
Add Yours →Nikita, there are some purposeful images presented here – well done for carefully selecting vocabulary and (some) language features to convey your ideas.
As you complete this assessment, I would consider:
1) The technical accuracy of your sentence structures. Additional full stop breaks, capital letters, comma pauses, apostrophes etc. are needed to accurately express your ideas overall.
2) Unnecessary repetition of sentence starters and vocabulary: “The”, “I”, “As” etc. Do you need some of these openings/words? Would the writing make sense without them? Look at some of the subject words that are repeated and consider whether different words could be used to enhance the meaning of your ideas.
3) Lastly, well done for experimenting with syntax, however, remember to purposefully vary the types of sentences you are using, so that your reader feels intentionally lead through your scenes. Additional sentences could be joined to link ideas.
Great work thus far!
Mrs Waide